How to Have a Miscarriage
Is what I actually googled when the cramps started. I was 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant. It was Halloween and my 12 week scan was planned for tomorrow. I knew, just knew in my bones and blood and heart, the way a woman does sometimes, that this miscarriage was happening. I went to the bathroom and my waters broke with a small gush and I caught the baby in my hand. She was small and oddly shaped. I suppose, I don’t know because I’d never seen an almost 12 week fetus up close. I felt this precious, powerful and heart-breaking moment was incredibly intimate and that I was completely unprepared for it. It was the third miscarriage I’d had in my life, the others passing by unremarked and ignored pretty much.
I was 3 years into a fertility journey and thought we were having our second baby, finally. In the space of a morning that all changed and we were right back to square one. I think that there are a few things I’d like to say to those who find themselves in that space. For those that this is your first baby, please know that you are already a family. Babies do not define that for you. Please know, that you are already parents by doing all the hard work of parenting- being brave, making hard choices, being pushed out of your comfort zone by events you can’t control, living through these experiences. You are parents already. And finally, and I know this might be the hardest one to hear right now, please know you are fertile. That even in this moment, you still carry the ability to create new things in life. New ways to be a family, to be a parent, to be consciously growing life all around you and only you get to define what those things are for you. Nothing about this journey is innately natural or easy or the same for everyone.
The silence surrounding miscarriage is profound. The statics of 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage are stone cold and in no way reflected by the outward conversations. People are expected to go on as if nothing has changed, when everything has changed. There is so much information about birth choices; did you know there are miscarriage choices? You can choose to bleed at home for example, in communication with your caregivers, checking that the placenta and all the material is passed from the uterus. If you start running a temperature, your blood start smelling yucky or you have pain, it is time to get medical help.
Things I did that helped:.
* Yoni Steaming to help pass the material. Check out a link here to find out more. It is not usually recommended during menstruation, but a miscarriage is an acute situation. One thing that I really liked about this was that I was able to do something, in the moment, to help the process.
* Acupuncture and self care abdominal massage. Both help to complete the miscarriage and to start nourishing and building my energy back up again.
* Rest lots and eat well. A miscarriage is a birth. Your physical and emotional bodies need nurturing now.
* I leaned into my meditation practice and said goodbye to baby. I spent a while laying in bed meditating. I asked Spirit for support and said goodbye. I received some strong messages during this practice about the state of my health and ways I needed to support myself during this time. Not all of it was things I wanted to hear, but one message that came through for me was this baby came to bring me a DNA upgrade so that I could fully step into my soul work. Read more about this kind of cellular healing potential here. And I have to say that this practice was the most healing part for me.
* Sealing Ceremony for both my partner and myself. This is a ceremony where you use cloths to wrap the person from head to toe. Physically it helps close the bones and energetically it closes up the energy.
* Talk about it, if you want. Life is short and precious and defined by our real lived experiences. You may or may not want to share all over social media, but please do share with your trusted friends and family and encourage your partner to do the same. Lean into each other and your community and be open to receiving love and support. It is powerful medicine in its way.
Of course- you might find that you just need the process over, quickly, so that you can begin your own healing. In this case a D & C might be the choice for you. This is a medical procedure where your cervix is dilated and your OBGYN or Consultant clears the uterine lining with a curette. It is usually an uncomfortable procedure, some times painfully, but it is over fairly quickly. Please make sure to talk about risks and benefits with your care provider.
Finally, if you are reading this because you are miscarrying right now, I am truly sorry. I see you and you are not alone.